5 moments the royals proved they are Shit At Their Job.

The royals jobs description should be – Be a groomed toff, shake hands, smile and mute your thicko opinions. Some can do this ( *bows obscenely to Stepford Royal Wife Kate* ), some can’t.

Despite this imbecilic formula  – on an almost weekly basis they say something stupid, insensitive, offensive or utterly inappropriate. A pliant press fall over themselves to excuse their idiocy as ‘A Gaffe’ – as if, we should enjoy an Only Human moment of informality in the Buttock Tightened world of Royal Protocol.

Lets not call them ‘gaffes’. Lets call it Being Shit At Their Job

Racist, crass, embarassing and thick. Even his own son called him a bully.

Racist, crass, embarassing and thick. Even his own son called him a bully.

1. Prince Phillip bullies a wee boy to tears – at Salford University, Phil the Bullying Tyrant (  © Prince Charles ) meets a 13 year old kid who tells him he wants to be an astronaut. “You could do with losing weight” judges a man who lived his life in a palace surrounded by unctuous yesmen.

Poor Wee Fella. Horrible Old Shit.

The kid said afterwards “‘The other people were laughing but I didn’t find it a very good joke because I am sensitive about my weight. I felt like crying but I had to keep a strong face.”.

Poor wee Strong Face. PRINCE PHILLIP YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.

Man of the (rich) people

Man of the (rich) people

2. Prince Andrew a Diplomatic Disaster: He turns up at Lockerbie and tells a grieving community that ‘it was much worse for the americans’. His best pals include a paedosadist ( see my vitriolic blog post Barely Regal ) and Gaddafi’s son. His marriage was an embarassment, ( 500k ? To be instroduced to Prince Andrew ? WHAT ? )  there’s the highly dubious  sale of his crass crappy house and the American government is laughing at his sheer stupidity as revealed in Wikileaks. He’s an arrogant talentless clown, and possibly a criminal. He was sacked from his role, but mummy slapped another medal on him and  he’s still wheeled out as if he’s working for the UK. Oh, and in case you’re all sadface for unemployed Andy,  this minger just spunked £13m on a ski chalet. Love the royals ? Then you Love His Pudgy Face and Want To Kiss Him with his dirty big venison breath tongue in yours. PRINCE ANDREW IS SHIT AT HIS JOB ( & should be questioned by the cops )

Dish du Jour

Actually, Anne, I’ll just have tea & a  biscuit

3. Prince Anne – Let Them Eat Horses – this is just one of those bizarre things posh people say. And it was pronounced at a moment when cheap horse meat had been found in poor peoples food, it was insulting .I mean, Anne doesn’t say much, so it was bizarre that this equine-a-holic blurted out that we should be eating Black Beauty. “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay she isn’t interested” said Prince Phillip ( ok, Revolters, we can admit that’s quite funny from the oul’ goat). PRINCESS ANNE – YOU’RE ACTUALLY OK AT BEING A MUTE TOFF BUT YOUR SHIT AT DINNER ADVICE.

68a9ae0c-9445-11e4-_831356b4. I’m not racist, I even pretend to be a half caste – Princess Michael of Kent once opined. This was defending herself after barking at black people in New York restaurant to ‘go back to the colonies’. Of course toffs being racist is indulged and overlooked in a way it would never be for ordinary folk. But even at that …Princess Michael of Kent is a Royal Idiot amongst Royal Idiots.  When trying to defend Prince Harry after nazi-gate ( Nazi Gate part I)  she said ‘most of the English believe the wogs begin at Calais’.  She said public breast feeding was a ‘dreadful practice’ and adding that she didn’t breastfeed because ‘my nanny said it was disgusting’. This horrible ol’ trout  may be a fringe royal but she is still patron of many charities and we’re supposed to tug the forelock to her…PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KENT, YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.

5. Prince William – Lets Mock the Poorest  Having attended Eton ( poshest of posh), then St Andrews ( strategically forced to go to Scotland – think about it – to attend posh university ), then Sandringham ( posh army thing ) Prince

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Nastyness in the Heir

William and his posh officer mates dressed up as…. Britain’s poorest people ! What snobs call ‘a chav’. Hilarious ! Imagine being poor ! We will mock them for not having any of the opportunities and privileges we take for granted ! Ha Ha they wear cheap jewellery not the Crown Jewels ! And William even brandished a baseball bat – yeah that’s right, the poor are feral savages with violent tendencies…He’s NOT EVEN POOR, in fact he’s going to be the fuckin’ King ! What a LAUGH ! Geddit ? PRINCE WILLIAM – SHIT AT YOUR JOB.

Of course they don’t have to be good at their jobs. You and I can’t have their jobs. No one can. Your children can’t have Prince George’s job. In fact, Prince George can’t even have another job.
KNOW YOUR PLACE – either suck right up to those Windsors… or actively tell them where to shove it…
As ever, be a revolting dude or a revolting duderino and share via Facebook or Twitter. We’re up against relentless royal propaganda at all times.
Sharing this makes you like social media version of Che Guevara. And one retweeter will get a free motorbike!*
*not true.
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They assume you love the Windsor Family

We’re relentlessly told that the Monarchy projects a good image of the UK on a world stage.

Er… posh, stale, bloodsport loving, thick, white,  boorish, military cloned hereditary Windsor Yahs –  is that what we want the world to think of first when they think of the UK in 2015?

I know the snootyness actually appeals to some  ( “oh gee I love your Downtown Abby” ) but c’mon we don’t sentimentalise rickets, or workhouses, or other symptoms of class discrimination.

I’ve battered on about the arguments against royalty here, there and everywhere, and Republic do it better at their Winning the Argument section. But sometimes logic doesn’t make people change their minds.

What’s important, is to change perceptions, to point out that the Windsors are naff. Are ugly and uncool. Are as appealing as Nicholas Witchell’s lesbian crushing bumhole.

There will always be Peasant Crown Monkeys who gimp it up for the camera….

People like this guy – who wrote Diana and Dodi’s name on his face every day at the Diana inquest. You’ll also spot him at outside their private hospital festooned in union jacks.

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“I’ve always been a Diana fan, but last year I woke up one day and decided to paint her name on my forehead – it just felt right,”

Ok, I’m a sarcastic snidey blogger and don’t want to be cruel to this man but clearly…he has a few issues. But again and again, the uk media and (embarrassingly) the international media love these ‘umble types, and play up the idea that they’re representative of attitudes towards the Windsors.

And who else do they count as a monarchists ?

You actually. The media default assumption is we all are. If Das Feudal Circus is in town and an office worker munching on tasty Greggs sausage roll dawdles over to the kerb for a gawp, they’re hailed by the press as a royal ‘well-wisher’, who ‘welcomed’ that vulgar big Bentley into town.

Anyone staring at the bizarre freakshow family is portrayed as in thrall to the monarchy.

And every criticism is shunned and buried, no-one draws attention to disinterest…

Consider the scandalous fact that Scotland’s newly opened hospital – built entirely with public money – was opened by the queen in front a few hundred folk, some of whom were keen to see the monarchy, some of whom were just hanging out.

For unfathomable reasons the hospital was named the Queen Elizabeth University hospital Glasgow ( despite the fact that the queen doesn’t use the nhs, hasn’t been to university,  and purred with pleasure down the phone to David Cameron when Scotland shat it at the referendum. Glasgow voted yes ).

So far so tediously predictable…

But wait ! Forget the 500 souls in the rain…what’s this – a petition to oppose naming the hospital after the queen you say ? How many signatures does it have after a week or so ?

At the time of writing…over 11,411.

Apart from a few reports in Glasgow’s local paper this gesture of people power is of course ignored. Buried in the Glasgow and West section of BBC Website.

Sign the petition. Put this article on Facebook / Twitter.

Don’t let them count you as a Monarchist.

People Behave Like Freaks Around the Royal Family

One of the  regular heavy boots moments in British civic life is when sane, smart people melt in the presence of royalty.

Whether it’s Wiggo kneeling down, or PJ Harvey scurrying off to Buckingham Palace to become A Member of the British Empire, a little part of me weeps every time someone  (formerly) cool accepts a gong or tugs the forelock ( even if they claim it’s for their nan. )

It doesn’t matter what the excuse – when the call came they obediently fell to their knees for a Sir or to get letter after  their name (  EPZ – Establishment Petting Zoo – in recognition that when asked to, they opted to place themselves above the people).

But the corrupt gong-a-dong world of honours is a post for a separate time.

What is it with normal folk becoming idiots in the presence of Windsors ?

Look at this video, of the Queen’s guard, presented to us so we can sneer….

The poor man was just distracted yet he’s shoved, shouted at and ridiculed. It’s horrible boorish behaviour by some tossers in red coats under the pretence of tradition. Yeah boys, you’re all fuckin’ heroes, why don’t you bayonet the poor old guy for Her Maj ?

But even more disturbing is this kind of behaviour. Again, here’s the clip….

The poor kid gets battered in the face by a soldier – AND NOBODY HELPS HER BECAUSE THE QUEEN IS MORE IMPORTANT.

Are they not human ?

It was like the time a pageboy collapsed during the Queens Speech and nobody reacted. In fact the royal press pack swooned at her callousness.

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Of course these incidents are accidents and not directly due to the pathetic Feudal Freak Show, but nobody present reacts. What is WRONG with these people ? A kid is hurt, a wee boy faints, and their priority is to ensure that nothing disrupts their precious grovelling protocol ?

Here’s how to react on a royal visit

Please tweet or Facebook this. Everyday we’re foi-grassed royal pish. Fight back.

Prince Andrew – Barely Regal…..

Prince Andrew, is repellent.article-0-0B6475B700000578-248_306x423

There are many scandals associated with the boorish, rude, cocky clown ( just remember he represents ‘us’ around the world. *slow clap*).

There’s the fact that he sold his crappy tasteless house in circumstance that reek of corruption…..

And that you could buy an audience with him….

And that a man on a ‘modest naval pension’ this year bought a ski chalet for £13m ?

But for the sake of brevity, lets focus on the most obvious scandal.

I’m quoting from this excellent article in Vanity Fair….

As the article reveals, in 2010, a journalist called Buckingham palace and revealed they were about to publish an interview with….

a young woman named Virginia Roberts, who claimed that the billionaire American money manager Jeffrey Epstein had trained her as an under-age prostitute and flown her to London in 2001, when she was just 17 years old, for the express purpose of spending time with Prince Andrew “

“According to Virginia [ she was recruited ]  as Epstein’s “sex slave” when she was 15 years old and arranged for her to see Andrew three times, in London and New York and on Epstein’s private Caribbean island, Little Saint James. She said she’d been “sexually exploited by Epstein’s adult male peers, including royalty.”

This Photo. Will. Never. Go. Away.

This Photo. Will. Never. Go. Away.

None of this has been explained adequately. Study the incriminating sleazy photo of Andrew’s Windsor’s fat sweaty mitts on a vulnerable young girl who’s been trafficked to him – can you imagine any MP or public servant who’d survive such a sleazy snap ?  Without even being questioned about it ? The more recent ‘charges’ against Andrew may not be being pursued – but this is a technicality, not an exoneration.

Think about it. Look at her.

She’s a young girl. Who was groomed and exploited by a convicted paedophile. Was flown to London. And she was ‘given’ to Prince Andrew Duke of York. Or, in laymans term, a grotesque old rich pervert who thinks he’s above the law.

Can you think of an innocent explanation ? Why did Andrew go to meet her and why was a 17 year old  from Florida accompanied by Robert Maxwell’s daughter?

Fortunately for Grand Old Duke Of York, he’s not held to account because of the media’s supine attitude to royalty. In his presence royal “journalists” refuse to put him on the spot. Forget Monarchists versus Republicans, you’d hope that for the sake of a disturbed young woman they’d at least have the moral courage to ask….  ‘Mr Windsor – can you explain why a teenager was flown in a paedophile’s private jet to meet you in private ?’  (come to think of it – how is this ugly man actually allowed into schools and near young people ? ).

Virgina Roberts was 17 when she met 51 year old Prince Andrew. In UK terms, this doesn’t constitute a crime. But it sickens us all. Workers pay taxes and fund this sleazebag’s repellent lifestyle. Oh, and make sure you call him Your Royal Highness.

There are plenty of blogs online that will scream accusations against the royals of paedophilia. I am not one of them. It’s a heinous accusation and though there are many unanswered questions – there seems to be no actual evidence and my objection to the monarchy is political. But the Virginia Roberts story exposes how the secrecy laws surrounding the royal family – exempt from Freedom of Information requests allowed greater personal privacy that others – is horrific and unjust.

So what can be done ? Not a lot it seems. There was a suggestion of a BBC panorama about Andrew, but there’s no sign of it. The royal family arrogantly refused to even look at legal documents.

Of course, the blinkered fawning monarchists will declare that The Queen can run her household and discipline her children.

So what did Elizabeth Windsor do when her favourite son was accused of having a  groomed teenager trafficked to London for his use  ?

She gave him the highest medal for service to the queen.

Then, earlier this year, after the toxic scandal resurfaced, the queen…. made Andrew Vice Admiral of the Navy.

Amazingly, even some of the hardcore royal press pack were sickened….( this is the Express’s reporter’s tweet)

Screen Shot 2015-03-30 at 16.49.47Anyone reading our press would assume that we all have a bovine love and for the ugly toffs of the Windsor family.

So please retweet and share on facebook.

Don’t criticise the media, become the media.

Actually, you don’t like the royal family as much as you think you do…

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One’s hairstyle is called, De Silver Royal Flush

I sort of understand if you’re a daft  tourist visiting Britain, and you want to gawp at the weirdo freakazoid Brit monarchy (though of course the whole Good For Tourism thing is somewhat mythical ). But many smart, politically aware UK citizens Who-Should-Know-Better go slightly soft in the head when it comes to the Windsor Family.

So I’ve prepared a little diagnostic test to solidify your royal love….

1) Do you think snobbery – real and symbolic – should be celebrated ?

Despite the countless – gor blimey Prince ‘Arry’s just One of the Lads type coverage- The Monarchy is Built on Snobbery. The premise of the royal family is that these dullard poshos are inherently finer than anyone else, and therefore we must all bow, curtsey and call them Your Highness.

If you think ‘oh-mate-piss-off-with-that’ then… don’t indulge the monarchy.

Your granny might like the queen, but the queen thinks your lovely oul’ granny is a caste beneath her and insists on grovelling from all inferior blood….

If you write to the queen, you are advised to sign off – ‘I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty’s humble and obedient servant’. Thanks Betty, the media may love your Golden Reign….but not me…

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Harry likes to shoot buffalo and poor people in afghanistan ( cause he’s good at playstation)

2) Do you like that our ‘ideal family’ kill animals for Toff Fun? Hilariously, the queen is the patron of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty To Animals – this Fig Leaf is a classic case of Who’s-Getting-The-Endorsement here ? Because the queen, her husband, her sons, her grandsons love nothing more than killing animals with other florid faced hooray henrys. Prince Phillip ( patron, World Wildlife Fund ) is particularly unrepentant – loving blasting the fuck out of anything that moves, including a couple of tigers ( and don’t give me the That Was Then argument, it was hugely controversial even at the time).  And Prince Charles  – after a life of pampered luxury at our expense – threatened to leave Britain if democratically elected government banned fox hunting….still waiting Chuck….

By the way, that stupid scene in “The Queen” where snivelling Helen Mirren doesn’t shoot the deer ? HA ! Royals love shooting animals and show no compassion, the old royal dear would have blasted the poor Scottish deer and drank diana’s blood from it’s antlers. Or run it over in a tunnel with a white Fiat.

3) Do you approve of the Old Boys network ?

Prince Charles got into Cambridge University. His grades ? Oh, after an expensive education and every advantage in life, he got 2 A-levels a B and a C. Prince Edward too attended Cambridge with…a C and two D’s. Throughout life, these lazy thicko clowns cheat and are helped to avoid exposing their lack of talent. Obstacles are removed and meritocracy is trampled . Your friends, your children and you will not be allowed such leeway. And to make matters worse….patronage is alive and well, and they endorse other toffs..

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That’s right. That BBC article claims the Palace endorsed David Cameron. And we’re all laughing our way to the foodbank.

Thought ALL PILOTS in RAF were supposed to have perfect vision ?

Thought ALL PILOTS in RAF were supposed to have perfect vision ?

4) Do you like rich lazy people who can never ever lose their job ?

When the royals turn up to open some NHS hospital they’ll never attend,  the BBC, the papers and the monarchists bore on about how amazingly hardworking they are ( yeah, forget the nurses / firemen etc, praise the toffs). But think about it –  typically, a royal engagement takes about 45 minutes. They Rolls Royce up, they are fawned over, they shake hands, they look bored. Then, they are whisked off again. That, is what the royal press calls ‘hard work’. They can sometimes manage 2 or 3 of these dullard appointments a day, and therefore at the end of the year proclaim how many Engagements they took on.

Prince William – after leaving the RAF ( early, costing taxpayer money)  worked the equivalent of 46

worked only the equivalent of 46 days in a year. This was only revealed due to excellent work by Republic ( join here ). Poor William, his hard graft included two trips to the cinema, 14 to a show, sports event or theme park,  21 parties, 10 a dinners, 2 Church services. My heart bleeds….

Hard At Work In the Cinema.

Back breaking toil in the Cinema

Nice work if you can get it. ( But you can’t. Unless you emerge from a magic Windsor vagina.)

On the other hand when they sit on their arse being tended to by a litany of butlers and servants, nobody complains. Or reports. Or says What Do These People DO to justify our money and owning so much of the UK?

5) Do you think rich aristocrats should be allowed to abuse public funds ?

Most of these stories are hidden now due to the scandalous lack of accountability around the royal family, but there’s still plenty of evidence. Princess Anne used (funded) Queen’s helicopter cause she didn’t want to miss her beloved horses. You pay for that. The queen tried to use funds earmarked for her poorest citizens to heat her large empty palaces…Prince Andrew even allows his paedo pal to use RAF bases to land his private plane….

OK are we ready ?  WHO LOVES THE ROYAL FAMILY ?

Bueller ? Bueller ?

[ Everyday, the media publish relentless uncritical grovelling nonsense about the Windsors, so, in the interests of balance, please share this article on Facebook and Twitter ]

royal baby 2: awwwww cute feudalism…..

You can’t hate a baby.

It’s just not fair.BRITAIN-ROYALS-BABY But what happens between a wee Windsor girl born …..and them growing into an arrogant Prince Andrew-esque monster that strides the globe offending every poor soul he encounters ?

Well, from the moment the kid emerges from the Magic Head Of State Producing Vagina…. the poor wee mite’s fate is sealed. Welcome to the Non Stop Golden Snobby Feudal Freakshow !

Immediately, the media tells us how brilliant this baby is. They tell us to bow down and be grateful. They tell us this baby is VERY IMPORTANT, and there’s rolling coverage despite the fact that 61% of people polled have said they are Not Interested.  Mostly, it’s only loonies and feebles who are excited. When a frothing Kay Burley asked people outside the hospital for a reaction ( when George was born), one of them suggested he’d heard it was ‘a black boy’ ( ha ! Even The Magic Head Of State Producing Vagina’s not THAT magic ).

What’s overtly implied, is that royal babies are more important than Your Baby. Am I overstating it ? Maybe a bit – obviously the press and PR push the Awww….We Love The New Baby angle –  but stop blubbing into your Nicholas Witchell Memorial Royal Hankie and examine the  “logic” of monarchy.

No matter how hard your kids work, no matter how smart and clever they are, no matter how much talent and charm they have, your kids will never be as important as this girl.  Your kids will not be considered to be head of state. Because  our Screen Shot 2015-04-29 at 21.09.44head of state  is based solely on the rather obnoxious idea of Bloodlines. The pathetic idea is that the Windsor family are intrinsically superior. The queen – a keen snob-  has even decreed Kate she must curtsy to other princesses when blando Will isn’t about.

No wonder Republic had the admirable Born Equal campaign. I mean, come on…over the decades  the horse munching, repeatedly racist, snobby, nazi loving, tampon impersonating, tiger shooting Windsor clan have been consistently dysfunctional.

Once you accept the argument that they’re clearly not anything special, then the whole dumb facade that we should grovel to these florid cheeked lazy yahs falls apart.

So if this new baby is brought up in the Windsor tradition, it’ll be fawned over, given it’s every need, have nannies, servants, have its primary school teachers bowing down, be followed by bodyguards at every step, be pursued by bovine monarchists, become a target for terrorists, have his first girlfriend / boyfriend  speculated about, be supplied with copies of Razzle by the butler, be denied a private life ( and if you’re going to insist on a bloodline monarchy then you can’t complain when people take an interest in who you’re firing into…). The thing is monarchy fucks you up. It’s not the kids fault. As I’ve argued before, the best bit of parenting that William Windsor and Kate Thingy could do is to move to a remote ranch in California and let the wee ones grow up ‘normal’.

Cue a posh dinner table in the Napa Valley in 2030… A 15 year old skategirl …looks at her baldy fat father… “So like…ummm….when we were royal the public just like…ummm…thought we were better than them…? That must So suck….”

It’s not the sprog’s fault. Yet.peyekate

A Modest Proposal: Use the NHS

We’re constantly told by the Ruling Classes that The Royals Represent Us.

As I’ve venom-ed elsewhere, this is risible regal guff.

In a world full of slobbering sycophants and relentless royal fawnery – I  don’t like to help the Windsor family  with their PR at all….but whilst we wait for that guillotine bought on ebay,  I have a modest suggestions.

Get one’s royal arse to the NHS.

Bizarrely, at the opening of each new NHS hospital, the royal family turn up, awkward and blazered.  They pull a wee rope, try to hide how bored they are, patronise the staff, nod at some equipment, then 45 minutes later hop into their luxury cars and get rushed back to one of their many palaces ( this is what the papers call ‘hard working royals’ ). In some respects, it’d be more appropriate if they turned up to close NHS wards given the drain on the national finances….

Well know sex trafficker and boor Prince Andrew declares he'd like to leave now

Well know sex trafficker and boor Prince Andrew declares he’d like to leave now

But when Das Windsor get the golden trots, or need their heir pulled, or get their piles fixed, they don’t trust the NHS. Even though – scandalously – they only have an NHS surgery which no one else can use in Buckingham Palace. And they interfere and try to make the NHS spunk money on their uninformed idiotic ideas. Anyway when they get the lurgy,  all their faux NHS interest and bland nodding disappears, and like a rat up a golden-drainpipe, they scuttle off to some expensive private hospital. The press rarely draw any attention to this.

samp165089eef46cf7c1Imagine how good it would be if the headline was “Toff Tot: Kate snubs NHS again”?

Of course they monarchists will argue blandly about security and a load of other bollocks to justify their snooty preferences. Just think of the positive endorsement it would give the NHS. It would show solidarity with the people. It would reveal to the world how good the NHS is. It would show commitment to something that we all use.

But the monarchy is steeped in snobbery, and they won’t. And even if they did it’d be tokenistic.

But amidst the impending royal-baby idiocy that most of us aren’t even interested in, it’s good to at least draw attention to the fact that, feudal sprogs emerge from magic windsor vaginas ( you wanna be head of state? You didn’t fall from a Windsor Womb ? Fugedabout it )  in private hospitals that cost £6k a night.

To them, we are the untouchable caste.

( By the way, if they used the NHS, I’d complain too. )

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