The royals jobs description should be – Be a groomed toff, shake hands, smile and mute your thicko opinions. Some can do this ( *bows obscenely to Stepford Royal Wife Kate* ), some can’t.
Despite this imbecilic formula – on an almost weekly basis they say something stupid, insensitive, offensive or utterly inappropriate. A pliant press fall over themselves to excuse their idiocy as ‘A Gaffe’ – as if, we should enjoy an Only Human moment of informality in the Buttock Tightened world of Royal Protocol.
Lets not call them ‘gaffes’. Lets call it Being Shit At Their Job
1. Prince Phillip bullies a wee boy to tears – at Salford University, Phil the Bullying Tyrant ( © Prince Charles ) meets a 13 year old kid who tells him he wants to be an astronaut. “You could do with losing weight” judges a man who lived his life in a palace surrounded by unctuous yesmen.
Poor Wee Fella. Horrible Old Shit.
The kid said afterwards “‘The other people were laughing but I didn’t find it a very good joke because I am sensitive about my weight. I felt like crying but I had to keep a strong face.”.
Poor wee Strong Face. PRINCE PHILLIP YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
2. Prince Andrew a Diplomatic Disaster: He turns up at Lockerbie and tells a grieving community that ‘it was much worse for the americans’. His best pals include a paedosadist ( see my vitriolic blog post Barely Regal ) and Gaddafi’s son. His marriage was an embarassment, ( 500k ? To be instroduced to Prince Andrew ? WHAT ? ) there’s the highly dubious sale of his crass crappy house and the American government is laughing at his sheer stupidity as revealed in Wikileaks. He’s an arrogant talentless clown, and possibly a criminal. He was sacked from his role, but mummy slapped another medal on him and he’s still wheeled out as if he’s working for the UK. Oh, and in case you’re all sadface for unemployed Andy, this minger just spunked £13m on a ski chalet. Love the royals ? Then you Love His Pudgy Face and Want To Kiss Him with his dirty big venison breath tongue in yours. PRINCE ANDREW IS SHIT AT HIS JOB ( & should be questioned by the cops )
3. Prince Anne – Let Them Eat Horses – this is just one of those bizarre things posh people say. And it was pronounced at a moment when cheap horse meat had been found in poor peoples food, it was insulting .I mean, Anne doesn’t say much, so it was bizarre that this equine-a-holic blurted out that we should be eating Black Beauty. “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay she isn’t interested” said Prince Phillip ( ok, Revolters, we can admit that’s quite funny from the oul’ goat). PRINCESS ANNE – YOU’RE ACTUALLY OK AT BEING A MUTE TOFF BUT YOUR SHIT AT DINNER ADVICE.
4. I’m not racist, I even pretend to be a half caste – Princess Michael of Kent once opined. This was defending herself after barking at black people in New York restaurant to ‘go back to the colonies’. Of course toffs being racist is indulged and overlooked in a way it would never be for ordinary folk. But even at that …Princess Michael of Kent is a Royal Idiot amongst Royal Idiots. When trying to defend Prince Harry after nazi-gate ( Nazi Gate part I) she said ‘most of the English believe the wogs begin at Calais’. She said public breast feeding was a ‘dreadful practice’ and adding that she didn’t breastfeed because ‘my nanny said it was disgusting’. This horrible ol’ trout may be a fringe royal but she is still patron of many charities and we’re supposed to tug the forelock to her…PRINCESS MICHAEL OF KENT, YOU’RE SHIT AT YOUR JOB.
5. Prince William – Lets Mock the Poorest Having attended Eton ( poshest of posh), then St Andrews ( strategically forced to go to Scotland – think about it – to attend posh university ), then Sandringham ( posh army thing ) Prince
William and his posh officer mates dressed up as…. Britain’s poorest people ! What snobs call ‘a chav’. Hilarious ! Imagine being poor ! We will mock them for not having any of the opportunities and privileges we take for granted ! Ha Ha they wear cheap jewellery not the Crown Jewels ! And William even brandished a baseball bat – yeah that’s right, the poor are feral savages with violent tendencies…He’s NOT EVEN POOR, in fact he’s going to be the fuckin’ King ! What a LAUGH ! Geddit ? PRINCE WILLIAM – SHIT AT YOUR JOB.